ngredients? Ingredients will depend upon the taste buds of the participants. We all come from such different cultural and psychological backgrounds, needs, and education, that no pat formula would satisfy all couples — or even a majority. Put very simplistically — a sadist and a masochist might make a perfect pair. Extend both of those categories into a lighter part of their spectrums and you probably have the basis for many 50-year marriages!

Basically, ideally both should be able to change; to initiate change and anticipate change; and sometimes switch roles. Hope and pray (if suitable to the individuals) that there are no major random disasters to occur to either of them or their children. I’ll bet many a marriage sailing along with glorious travel plans sunk on those hidden reefs.

Pointers? Be sure you are deeply in love — that helps, but look around. Many couples make it with only a lukewarm attachment in the beginning. Spend some married time together before having children. We did (nine years) but many don’t and didn’t.

Advice before marriage? A Catholic girl and a Jewish boy — do you think we listened?

irstly, what follows is surely not meant to be exhaustive. I am responding at a moment in time. At some other time, be it another day, week, month, year, in another situation or set of circumstances, I may respond differently, at least somewhat differently.

So, with the above provision, I begin.

A long-lasting marriage demands loving, liking, and respecting. If I love, like, and respect me healthily, I will love, like, and respect thee healthily. It requires feeling, thinking, empathizing, and patience. One must be sensitive, sensitized, and yet be able to detach sufficiently so as to be cognizant of what is going on.

It helps to be able to express one’s self well and to listen well. When an event occurs, we ought not to over-analyze. We take things out of context. We analyze too often. We hardly ever synthesize. We take things apart. We do not put things together again.

Balance is an important requisite. We ought to have some sense of what is important and what is unimportant, what matters and what doesn’t matter.

And the other requisite — luck/chance need be on your side. I’ve always been in awe of the accident, i.e., matters we cannot, do not determine or control. Things happen, at times because of, at times in spite of.

For those about to get married — Do not over romanticize. Marriage is not the panacea. Marriage probably will not be problem free. Rather, be problem-aware. If and when problems appear, work them through. Sometimes these are easy, other times difficult.

I do believe I thought about many of these issues before marriage. But the test is in the doing. Thinking, verbalizing about issues may all abort before the doing and just continue to stew. One tough matter is balancing out public and private, i.e., when to share (the good, the bad, whatever) and when to contain, not engage.

Marriage or more precisely family is the institution in society meant to provide intimacy, support and respite free from the severities and pressures emanating elsewhere. If valued, one need be prepared to work hard at making it succeed. Whether it does or not, be assured it is not written in the stars. It doesn’t just fall into place neatly, nicely. You must work at it, at times work hard. You give and you grow.